With the approaching of the four-year anniversary of my Mum’s passing, I am struggling to find the energy and get anything done. As my world hasn’t been the same since that fateful day, but I have tried to soldier through it by finding that little part of my life to keep going. But as of late, I am not feeling it.
From 2016-2019 I was studying for an undergraduate degree and it was one of the best times, as my life was mine and I felt in control. Unfortunately soon after I graduated, the coronavirus hit and we went into lockdown. I felt I had lost a part of myself and my life then. With my Mum passing, I started taking care of more things around the house and with my family but the pressure got to me there. Yes, I have some fantastic family and great friends but the pressure is still there.
There always seems to be something to do in the house or something with family that takes priority over what I need, often taking the backseat. I have not been looking after myself, feeling I have lost meaning in my own life, and living for other people. This has led to health complications including elliptic fits which in itself is a warning sign.
I am currently studying for an MA and though that was my decision, I am struggling to find time to lose myself for long periods of time to write for it. People including some of my family think I’m just sitting around doing nothing when I have my computer or my notebook and organise things for me to do. But I need to write for my MA and get some of my projects underway again and I can’t do that if I don’t have the time. I started some new projects as part of my MA which I would love to continue to work on. Then there are my other projects that need serious attention.
A friend gave me some sound advice the other day; put your foot down and draw a line when you feel like it’s getting too much and do some needed self-care, and prioritise what I need and want to do in life. Whether that’s to write or go out more. I can’t continue like this for much longer and I’ve realised I need to step back from whatever everyone else wants and do what I want. Hopefully, then, I can feel better about myself and my mental health can improve. A new day will hopefully dawn in my life.